i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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