the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
