I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
