i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
