I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
