Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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