I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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