my phone needs a breathalizer
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
