Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
