she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
