I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I can't put those talents on a resume
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
