You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
