I'm eating all of the evidence.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
