ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's official drugs can't kill me
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
