I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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