Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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