I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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