just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
