I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
