I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Come see our sink grown plant.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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