Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
