So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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