She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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