well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
