it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
