if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
