This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
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I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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