i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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