We're facebook friends in real life
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
