Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
