There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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