I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
