...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
