i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
