Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
