Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
