Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
