In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
