My Higher Power is John Stamos
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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