There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
