getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
