Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
