The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
