I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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