Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
