i jhust puked up my retainher.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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