just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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