um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
