Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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