Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
