I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
