I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
