I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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