She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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