I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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